Hello Jenny,
It’s nice to hear from you again.
Your question about our early years of being married caused me to think for a while, because there were those small instances that should have signalled the looming clouds building. But we were in love. We had our whole lives in front of us. The dreams of the cute cottage with the white picket fence, the frilly curtains at the windows (yes, my age is showing), and dutiful happy children who were always obedient and a joy to be around.
We were young and we were good looking.
Surely, no one could be happier?
But I chose to ignore things that should have caused immediate concern. I was too emotionally damaged to understand that even my husband should not cross my boundaries. The hard fact is, I had no boundaries. This is something I have found over the years after ministering to countless people, that being a child abuse victim, destroys a child’s boundaries. Their boundaries are completely trampled over. Until the abuse is confronted, the boundary fences remain trampled on the ground and anyone can come right into your personal space and say whatever they want. It took many years for me to learn about boundaries and to erect safe and secure lines that even Stan wasn’t allowed to cross. I am sure if we had both communicated properly, it would have saved a lot of anguish in later years.
But there were a lot of funny times. Let me tell you about this one.
We had been married about a year. Saturday night saw us out for dinner. He reached across the table and took my hand.
“Oh,” I thought. “He’s going to say something so romantic.”
Mr. Romance took a breath. “Darling, your lipstick runs all the way up to your nose.”
HMPH!
Stan thought he was being helpful, pointing out something he knew I would want to rectify. It was at that moment that I started to use lip-liner. Papering over the cracks. Striving to appear flawless. Beautiful in face, camouflaging all imperfections.
I can hear you asking now, ‘why were you striving for perfection?’ It’s all about my own insecurities, about not being lovable (refer back to my previous letter on what I said on the early abuse, and what it does to a child).
My perception was so skewed that I couldn’t possibly conceive that I would be acceptable, that I could be loved, unless I was perfect in every way. Perfect figure, beautiful face, fashionable clothing.
What I didn’t realize, is that God had made me beautiful. Looking back at photos of me as a young woman, I was VERY attractive. I just didn’t know it.
As I started to work on perfecting my outward appearance, the flaws in my character weren’t given the same treatment. I felt I wasn’t good enough, therefore the need was there to present a veneer, to be acceptable in church, at work, in my marriage, to my friends.
This social veneer, covering over the crevices in our souls, does not allow the rawness of life to use its sandpaper, burnishing rough areas and moulding our character to be the imagers of the God of Love. We become a cartoon line drawing of who we are meant to be. Without the sandpaper effect of truth interaction, we are annulling the beauty, the joy of close bonding, and denying a deeply rich marriage, with church and societal interactions being on a superficial level. The bonding and covenantal relationships are never given the opportunity of growth.
For so many different reasons, some people choose to hide behind their masks, never allowing others to see who they really are. Behind their masks they can manufacture a life which is shown to the outside world. But the hurt and destructive behaviours which are never allowed to be shown, and thus never dealt with, remain; smoldering under the surface.
So, with all this festering going on in the background, into the future I walked with Stan, both of us dancing around Truth.
We joined a marvelous church where we were promoted, admired and groomed; be like the leader.
Copy and follow flawed man, and keep those cracks from showing.
Present an impeccable image.
Don’t let anyone see that you too are human.
How many of us have unwittingly given allegiance to a man, or a system Jenny?
And yes, soon enough, it all came tumbling down. Leaving us homeless, friendless, and distraught.
The leaning tower of religion based on man-made systems finally crashed.
I’ll leave it here for now. There is enough for you to think about in this email.
Regards,
Justine.
Yorumlar